I NORMALLY try to write about things that interest the maximum number of readers.
Which is why I rarely cover railway ticket prices, or Scotland. But this week, the subject matter is railway ticket prices, in Scotland.
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Back in 2023, the far left idealogues that run things up there decided to abolish peak-time rail fares. They said this £40million government-funded scheme would cut car use and make everyone happy.
And naturally, it didn’t work.
The number of people using trains went up by just 6.8 per cent. And most of that increase was down to a small number of rich commuters using the train more often.
Car use across the country wasn’t affected at all. So, the following year, the idea was shelved.
You’d imagine that would be that. Aha. But it’s politicians we are talking about here, so guess what. It’s back.
They admit that they tried it, and that it failed. And now they’re going to do it again. It’s literally the definition of insanity. Trying the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result.
Needless to say, everyone up there in whisky land seems to be delighted.
Eco mentalists say that round-the-clock cheap fares are good for the environment.
Business leaders say that it’ll help stamp out the practice of working from home.
Which is another way of saying “working from the coffee shop and the gym”. Or “not working at all”.
Obviously, the commuters are thrilled too. And so are the trade unions.
In fact, it’s hard to find anyone who thinks it’s a bad idea. Except me. Because we already know the idea doesn’t work. They need passenger numbers to increase by ten per cent to make the scheme self-funding.
And that, when they tried it out a year ago, didn’t happen.
So who’s going to pay the shortfall? Yes, you’ve guessed it. The taxpayer. And as there are only 2.6million people in Scotland who pay income tax, most of the money will have to come from England.
This means that if you’re a refuse collector in Luton or a nurse in Wolverhampton or a brickie in Huddersfield, some of the money you pay in tax each month is being used to make a Scottish lawyer’s weekly trip from Glasgow to Edinburgh a little bit cheaper.
What worries me even more is that politicians in Westminster may look at what’s happening north of the border and decide we should have a similar system in England.
So they’ll nationalise the railways, bring back the British Rail sandwich and end up paying every driver more than most Premier League footballers.
Then we’ll have Ed Sillyband banging on about how it’ll contribute to net zero and everyone with pink hair and a Hamas flag will be having street parties to celebrate the return of the 1970s.
And they’ll expect people who can’t use the train — because there’s no suitable station nearby — to pay for those who can.
It’s communism. Sounds great on paper. Doesn’t work.
PLAN’S ENDED UP IN L
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When they were first elected, the Starmerites promised that to clear the backlog of people waiting for a driving test, they’d increase the number of tests available every month by 10,000.
And guess what? Figures released this week show that the number of people waiting for a driving test has shot up by 80,000 and has now, for the first time ever, broken through the 600,000 barrier.
I know. It’s hard to believe isn’t it? Starmer and his cronies promised something and then didn’t bother delivering. Amazing.
Except I don’t think the waiting lists are a result of government hopeless-ness. Because think about it. The No1 aim of the mad fools who run the country these days is Net Zero.
And nothing cuts the number of polluting cars on the road more than not allowing anyone to drive one.
SO, David Lammy, who’s our Foreign Secretary, says that the man who drove him from a meeting in Italy to a ski resort in France, tried to charge him for the fare twice. And the man at the wheel says he didn’t.
It really is a case of “he says this, and he says that”, and I guess we’ll never know the truth.
What baffles me, though, is why anyone would use a taxi for a six-hour, 350-mile drive from the far side of Italy to the French Alps.
Anyone who saw Lammy on Celebrity Mastermind knows he’s a bit thick.
ALE FOR WHAT AILS US
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AS I’m sure you know, health and wellness enthusiasts always have a miracle cure for whatever ailment you might have.
And it’s never “try eating pork scratchings”. Or “the best cure for syphilis is beer”.
They always say you should drink something revolting, like wheatgrass or some kind of liquidised mushroom.
Or they tell you to eat magnesium. Which is what they used to make the gearbox casing in a Ford Focus for God’s sake. How can eating that cure anything?
Just recently, I’ve been suffering at night from cramp.
And a girl who works at a gym said I could cure that by drinking “water”. Rubbish. Have you seen what it does to the bottom of a boat?
The cure for cramp, as most sensible people know, is to leap out of bed and hop about, while swearing.
BAN THE RIDERS
THERE were calls this week from a road safety group to reduce the speed limit in cities and on country roads to 10mph.
The Road Safety Foundation, which has a website and everything, says no one should ever die as a consequence of wanting to go somewhere.
Right. So why not lower the speed limit everywhere to one mph. Or give everyone a Formula One car.
You can crash those things into a wall at 180 and walk away. Or if you are really serious about cutting the number of deaths on the road to zero, start with this: ban cycling.
MY CAR GOES A LOT FASTER WHEN IT’S SUPPERCHARGED
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BOFFINS announced this week that if you listen to “fast” music like Queen’s Don’t Stop Me Now in the car, you will drive more quickly than if you listen to something slow and Billy Joelish.
Put Judie Tzuke’s Stay With Me Till Dawn on the stereo and you’ll never go faster than three mph.
Go for Kenny Loggins’ Footloose, which has 174 beats per minute, and you’ll be home before you set off.
No s**t, Sherlock.
For me though, the most dangerous music I listen to in the car is prog rock. Because the drive from my farm to my pub is 8.5 miles, along some of the most beautiful and exciting driving roads in the country.
And what I like to do is see if I can complete the journey in the time it takes to play just one track.
Easy with Mike Oldfield’s Amarok, which goes on for an hour. Trickier with ELP’s Pirates at 13 minutes.
But I did manage it the other day before Supper’s Ready by Genesis was over. That was 23 minutes of tremendous driving and great music.
I’ve lost you haven’t I? Sorry.
