'Tories decry pub passport "tyranny" while happily selling Saudi Arabia weapons'

I have no idea if passports for pubs is a good idea. But I enjoy watching the Conservative MPs who go berserk as soon as any such measure is suggested, crying “This country fought Hitler for freedom. If they’d known we’d have to wear a mask in the Co-op, they might as well not have bothered”.

Then one of them says, “I saw those Uighur people the Chinese have put into camps to carry out slave labour, and I thought, ‘You lucky beggars’.

“Because they’re all allowed to stand next to each other, not like here with this two metres nonsense.”

They think every attempt to keep people safe has been personally designed to annoy them. They would yell, “Some people have rabbits or fish as a pet. I prefer to keep an unexploded bomb.

“And that’s my right. I love that little fella, I call him Boom-boom.

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Karen Bradley MP said the passport system was 'Napoleonic'
Karen Bradley MP said the passport system was ‘Napoleonic’

“And if I want to take him down the pub, that’s my right as well. He just sits under the table, don’t bother no one… yes, one day he might go kerbang but so what, it’s my civil ­liberties.”

In a similar spirit, one newspaper told us the attempt by pubs to check their customers have been vaccinated is ‘the first step to tyranny’.

It’s a fair comment because this is how Genghis Khan started.

In his early days his Mongol hordes stood at the entrance to a yurt pub, where they would check to see if customers had the plague.

This seemed harmless, but they enjoyed this power – so the next day they rode through Mongolia chopping everyone in half with their swords. That’s how easily tyranny happens if you’re not careful. Karen Bradley MP said the passport system was “Napoleonic”.

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This must be because Napoleon invaded half of Europe so he could stop people coming into pubs without a vaccination. Luckily he was stopped when he tried to take on a chain of All Bar One across Russia, and the bouncers chased him away.

You might think that angry Tory MPs might welcome an extra passport, as they can rejoice about it being an old-fashioned blue colour now we’re out of the EU.

Strangely, they’re not so troubled by other tyrannies, such as Saudi Arabia, so we sell weapons to them.

That must be because they only do little bits of tyranny such as denying people the vote, murdering journalists and imprisoning people for drinking alcohol. This is why they’re not into proper tyranny because, as there are no pubs, there are no pub passports. So we should send them whatever they want.

But now European leaders are working hard to be just as hopeless. French president Emmanuel Macron said the vaccine doesn’t work with over-60s.

Then he changed his mind and said it doesn’t work with under-55s.

Now he’s demanding more of the vaccine that only works if you’re between 55 and 60. Next he’ll say he remembers a rhyme his grandma used to say, that goes, “If you were born on a Wednesday morn, Astra-Zeneca’s safe after dawn, But if you came out in the rest of the week, Your bum will explode, 13 times on each cheek”.

We’re in safe hands, aren’t we?


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