finance

This Black Friday, spare a thought for the soulless bargain hunters


As you might already be regretting knowing about, it’s Black Friday today. Woooop yay coffee machines for only £1,402.99 get ‘em while you can!!! (Stocks, we note, also seem to be on sale.)

As you might imagine, we have had *many* PR emails from PRs about this dastardly day over the past week or so, and as you also might imagine, we have ignored 99 per cent of them. But one of them, with the following ominous subject line, piqued our curiosity.

The effect of Black Friday on the human soul – the UK public speaks out

Now we won’t share all of the quotes here, because honestly we don’t want to make our readers feel too desperate about this planet we’re all stuck hurtling around the sun on, but here is a selection (all emphasis ours):

Dr Jackie Mulligan, expert on the Government’s High Streets Task Force and founder of the UK’s largest local online shopping platform, Shoplocalonline.org

“Black Friday will be followed by Buyer Remorse Saturday. The whole event is fake and faceless and as damaging to our collective wellbeing as it is our wallets. And let’s not forget the irreversible damage it inflicts on small businesses, local high streets and the communities in which we live, ripping out their souls to line shareholders’ pockets and launch another Silicon Valley billionaire into space.” 

Jamie Rackham, founder of Forest of Dean-based Facebook group, NOT ON AMAZON

“Retail has been the new religion for a long time now, with Black Friday a time when the most devout can show their absolute devotion to this frankly terrifying capitalist cult. Sadly, this particular cult offers no salvation, just an eternal socio-cultural damnation. In our increasingly fragmented society, a lot of the personal interactions that were once meaningful no longer exist. The face-to-face relationships people once had with the staff in their local shops have been replaced with the frightening ease of purchasing with Face ID. The transactional nature of transactions has been removed, leaving only the soulless acquisition of items.”

Kate Allen, owner at Devon-based luxury holiday lettings specialist, Salcombe Finest: ​

”This American vortex of misery as Christmas looms is more depressing to the human soul than a Dementor’s kiss. No heart, no festive cheer, just vile consumerism and greed reaching into the depths of society. 

Lucie Mann at New Forest Aquaponics:

“Black Friday is a black mark on the soul of humanity. It’s time to stop this rabid consumption of cheap and often plastic products that give us a brief high before the inevitable low.

Rob Peters, director of Altrincham-based Simple Fast Mortgage

“In order to for the human soul to be affected by Black Friday shopping, any aimless bargain hunters would firstly need to have a soul, but perhaps they can pick one up at a bargain price.”

Julia Kermode, founder at Nantwich-based IWork

“Black Friday depresses me each year. I hate the way consumerism brings out the worst in people, turning them into hysterical monsters obsessed with getting the best deal with no thought given to any of the wider environmental and financial ramifications.

“Not on Amazon” you say? That reminds us, we’ve wanted a new fitness watch for ages. Better go see if Uncle Jeff’s store has any deals on. Happy weekends y’all don’t let the demons pull you down!



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