Name: Deep-voiced men.
Age: 18 and up.
Appearance: Inherently untrustworthy.
Why are deep-voiced men untrustworthy? Because they are going to cheat on you, honey.
This seems like a horrible generalisation. Yes, but it is a generalisation backed up by science, so it counts.
Really? A study conducted by Southwest University in China proved it. Several heterosexual, non-smoking men were asked to read a list of words. These words were analysed for frequency and pitch.
And? Then the men were asked to take a psychological test to determine their attitudes to infidelity and relationships. And guess what?
What? The men with deeper voices were found to be less committed to romantic relationships and more likely to cheat.
How terrible. Apparently, it has to do with testosterone levels. Generally speaking, men with lower voices have more testosterone than men with squeakier voices. The researchers said: “Testosterone and the characteristics dependent on testosterone can be reliable indicators of quality-dependent conditions or behaviours.”
What does that mean? It means men with deep voices are all scoundrels.
But deep voices are so sexy. See? You are part of the problem. Women find men with deep voices sexy, because deep voices are associated with high testosterone, which suggests the men will produce healthy children.
Right. But this means that, if you are a deep-voiced man, women are throwing themselves at you all the time because they want some of those healthy babies. And if women are throwing themselves at you around the clock, you are eventually going to cave in to temptation.
Wow. Are you really blaming women for men being unfaithful? No, I hate deep-voiced men as much as the next guy.
Oh dear. Do you have a squeaky voice? Just because I don’t sound like Barry White with laryngitis, it doesn’t mean my voice is squeaky. In fact, it means I am actually a pretty good catch.
Because you sound like Alvin and the Chipmunks when you talk? Exactly. Although you might initially mistake my voice for an unoiled catflap, I’m biologically preordained to remain faithful.
Surely the human race has evolved beyond such superficial pitfalls. Oh, you think a woman would prefer a man who cooks dinner, changes nappies and shares the emotional labour of a household?
Yes. They might. But, evolutionarily speaking, they would much prefer it if a man did all that while not sounding like a hapless bystander at a helium-factory explosion.
Do say: “Men with deep voices are more likely to cheat.”
Don’t say: “Ladies, your new dream man is Mickey Mouse.”