politics

'Patriotic metric winter to remember with pounds of empty shelves – not kilos'


We’re certain to have a winter to remember, because the shelves will be empty but they’ll be empty of pounds of apples and not kilos of apples – ACRES of land will be covered in rotten fruit, not square kilometres

The government will allow the Crown Stamp to be placed “voluntarily” on pint glasses instead of CE markings
The government will allow the Crown Stamp to be placed “voluntarily” on pint glasses instead of CE markings

I shed a tear of happiness, as I’m sure all of you who are properly proud and British did, when the Government said it was bringing back pounds and ounces and pints and inches and proper BRITISH measurements.

Because I’m SICK of having to use foreign ones. For example, do you know what I found in my house this week? A CENTIPEDE! I said, “We voted to get rid of you, you metric traitor.” I chucked it in the garden and replaced it with an inchipede.

Boris Johnson proved how much he loves this country with this announcement. Because Boris has his finger on the pulse of the common man, that’s why he pays £840 for a YARD of wallpaper, not a metre, because he’s one of us. I bet that when he bought his cocaine, he was patriotic and asked for a seventeenth of an ounce, not a gram.

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Pounds and ounces are set to return to your local greengrocers after a 26-year battle by ‘metric martyrs’ if the plans get the go-ahead.
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Image:

Getty Images/iStockphoto)



So we’re certain to have a winter to remember, because the shelves will be empty but they’ll be empty of pounds of apples and not kilos of apples. Now there are no foreign workers to pick our fruit, it means ACRES of land will be covered in rotten fruit, not square kilometres. It’s beautiful.

We should have a new national anthem, to commemorate this glorious day. It can go, “If you’re from an EU court, or some poxy Baltic port, your verdict counts for nought, ’cos we’re British and we fought, for the freedom to deport any filthy stinking sort who tries to sell some ham by the dirty rotten gram rather than in ounces like my dear old grandad taught.”

If you drink a litre of water, you’ll have “remoaner” painted on your front door, and every year on Pints and Gallons Day you’ll be made to walk through Iain Duncan-Smith Avenue dressed as a Belgian while citizens throw fireworks at you, which won’t be deemed dangerous as health and safety laws were all burned in a ceremony shown live on BBC1 hosted by Ian Botham.

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Since 1995, shops have had to show metric units by law, and cannot show the imperial unit more prominently than its metric equivalent
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Image:

Getty Images/EyeEm)



But there’s even more. Ex-minister John Whittingdale told the Royal Television Society that broadcasters must make more BRITISH shows, “such as Fleabag”.

This is a marvellous idea, because I for one am SICK of watching TV shows in which no one promotes the British value of having sex with a priest.

For too long the BBC has been full of programmes that aren’t British. Songs of Praise is mostly Swedish and Antiques Roadshow is propaganda for Islamic Fundamentalism.




Channel 4’s Naked Attraction, in which the competitors are all naked, is fine but the contestants should be Geoff Hurst, Dame Judi Dench and Virginia Wade to promote BRITAIN.

And John Whittingdale should host a show called The Even Greater Great British Bake Off, in which the contestants have to bake a Queen Victoria sponge out of chalk from the White Cliffs of Dover.

And if anyone measures the ingredients in grams they’re waterboarded with a PINT of water.


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