My partner is happy for me to take a same-sex lover, but how do I find one?

I am a bisexual woman in a heterosexual relationship. We have been together for three years, and about a year ago I told him I was interested in exploring my sexuality with women. He has been so incredible and supportive, and we effectively manage the situation by setting clear boundaries. I am struggling to work out the best avenue to find other women who would be willing to share a sexual experience with me and be accepting of the fact that I have a partner. I lack confidence and often feel as if I am not “queer” enough. I also don’t feel very desirable to other women. How should I approach my sexual explorations?

It takes time and energy to find a community in which you feel safe and accepted. And it is never easy; unfortunately, the process involves taking some risks of being rejected, shamed, or even ridiculed. Just be brave and resolute, and above all, know that there are many other people like you, with similar feelings and challenges.

Your first step may be to consolidate your belief in your own desirability. If a person feels that she is attractive, she will be attractive to others. Once you have identified an individual or community with whom you feel comfortable, follow your intuition and – despite your fears – try to act with confidence. Having an air of self-assurance is one of the best ways to draw others close.

  • If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions: see


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