'My older husband is a great bloke but our sex life is a big turn off'

The Mirror’s resident agony aunt, Coleen Nolan, advises a reader who doesn’t fancy her husband, who is 21 years older than her, and hates the idea of having sex with him

Upset couple in bed
The thought of sex with him really turns me off, a reader writes (Stock photo)

Dear Coleen

I’m a 27-year-old woman and I’m married to a great guy who’s 48. We have a four-year-old daughter together, a lovely home and a nice lifestyle.

But there’s a huge problem.

I don’t fancy him and don’t want to have sex with him – even the thought of it turns me off now.

It wasn’t this bad at the start but, if I’m being honest with myself, I was never really attracted to him physically, it was more about the fact he was so kind and caring and generous.

I’d never had anyone look after me like he does and it made me feel so secure and wanted.

It was very appealing.

I know he feels the opposite – he’s always saying how sexy I am and how lucky he is to be with me and he’s always up for sex.

I have nearly ended the marriage several times, but I never go through with it, which makes me feel bad about myself. I see other guys all the time who I do fancy and wonder what it’d be like to be married to them.

What should I do?

What would you tell this reader to do? Have your say in the comment section

Coleen Nolan is the Mirror’s resident agony aunt

Coleen says

I think you love and respect him as a friend and a father, but there’s no spark, no sexual chemistry and that intimate bond that’s needed to hold you together just isn’t there.

I think you can reignite the sexual spark if it was there in the first place, but if it has never been there for you then I don’t think you can create it out of nothing.

I think you’re scared of leaving because he does provide security and you might leave him and meet someone you really fancy who doesn’t make you feel secure and wanted in the same way. Giving up a nice, stable life with someone who adores you is scary and it is a risk.

However, you are not happy and in the long term it’s harder and lonelier to be with someone you don’t love.

He also deserves to be with a woman who wants to be with him.

It’s never easy to end a relationship, especially when you know the other person really loves you.

You don’t have to go into details that will hurt him, but you can explain that while you still love him, you’re not in love with him any more and that’s not a good situation for either of you.

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