'My long-distance lover wouldn't leave his wife for me – I feel foolish'

Dear Coleen

A little over a year ago I met a guy at a wedding reception. At the time we were both in relationships and not looking for anyone else, but we clicked. We kept in touch through social media as he lives in another country.

Eventually, I broke up with my then fiancé helped along by the fact he was also, and still is, living abroad.

Essentially, I swapped one long- distance relationship for another.

Hundreds of messages, video calls and a few romantic trips later, I started asking for more of my new man than just promises and secrets.

Sadly, he wouldn’t move out of the house he shared with his wife and kids.

As time passed, I became more and more desperate. I didn’t see why he wanted his children to grow up in a house with parents who had an unhappy, sexless marriage.

There were many ups and downs, arguments and break-ups, but I loved him like I’ve never loved anyone else.

Then, after spending a weekend together in his home country just after Valentine’s Day, he broke up with me because I kept pushing him to move.

He sent me a message, but I reacted like the crazy ex and, since then, he hasn’t been in touch. Heartbroken, I deactivated my Facebook account and muted him everywhere else on social media.

Deep down, I still hope he’ll regret his decision because I know he loves me. My question is, am I being foolish to believe things might change?

Surely he should follow his heart?

Love rat dumped me after Valentine's Day when I pushed him to move
Love rat dumped me after Valentine’s Day when I pushed him to move

Coleen says

I don’t think you’re being foolish because you have feelings for this man, but I wouldn’t expect him to turn up on your doorstep with his suitcases.

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I wonder why your last two ­relationships have been long-distance ones? The first one clearly didn’t work out for that reason, yet you did it again, but this time with a guy who’s also married with kids.

Whatever is going on in his marriage, and you don’t know he’s being honest about that, he’s still cheating. Is he really the type of person you want to be with?

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I think the best decision you’ve made was taking him off your social media because it’ll help you to get over the heartache.

This may be tough to hear, but it doesn’t sound as if this relationship was going anywhere – he’s still with his wife and kids and clearly has no intention of leaving them. I’m sure he was telling you what you wanted to hear, but you deserve more than that.

Of course it’s hard when you love someone and you’re desperate for that to turn into happy ever after. However, even if he left his wife tomorrow, how do you know the reality would match up to what you’d imagined?

You’d still be taking a big risk on a guy you don’t really know that well because your relationship was conducted in secret and mostly online.  

It’s hard right now, but you will get over it. I think it would help in future to look closer to home and not get involved with someone who’s attached.



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