'My adopted children are such hard work and I still miss not having my own kids'

An isolated mum who has MS asks Daily Mirror agony aunt Coleen Nolan for advice on how to handle her sadness and guilt as she questions why she still misses never having had her own children

Dear Coleen, I was told in my 20s that I’d never be able to have children. Then at 30 I was diagnosed with MS.

My partner has stuck by me and, about 10 years ago, we decided to try adoption.

We were lucky to get two children, who were aged four and six when we took them on.

But why do I still miss never having had my own?

The children are really hard work and my partner and I hardly ever speak.

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He’s lucky because he goes out to work, but I was made ­redundant while going through the adoption process and we decided it might be easier if I didn’t go back.

I realise that the past 18 months have been hard on everyone, but even before Covid, my so-called friends disappeared.

So I sit on my own every day, thinking.

Coleen says

Coleen Nolan is the Mirror’s resident agony aunt


SOPA Images/LightRocket via Getty Images)

I know from a friend who adopted a toddler that it is not an easy option.

You have to become so much more than a parent to cope with a child’s broken past, anger and attachment issues, and navigating school can be very challenging.

I’m certain your children have brought you joy too, and I don’t think you should feel bad about mourning the loss of not having your own ­biological kids – I think that’s a pretty common feeling.

While you’re focusing so much energy, attention and love on the children (and probably putting out a lot of fires), it’s easy to forget about yourself and your relationship.

But it’s so important to reconnect with your partner and redirect some of that love to yourselves. Make the time to talk to him and discuss what the two of you need.

You sound like you feel isolated.

You might have to force yourself to reach out to friends and get involved with life again.

Once you do start engaging with people, it will feel less of an effort and you’ll feel better in every way.

And if you find yourself ­overthinking, take your mind ­somewhere else – a book, a podcast, a meditation app. Start focusing more on yourself.


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