Around January every year, the last million-or-so people in Australia still watching local drama on free-to-air TV say the same thing.
‘There’s no way I’m watching that fake rubbish Married At First Sight again!’
But the ratings for Wednesday night’s cheating scandal blow-up – complete with a s**tty toothbrush and an ever s**ttier shirt – prove that we’ve all got Stockholm Syndrome.
Don’t blame the experts* though – those poor sobs have been locked in the same room for seven years and haven’t even noticed. The producers are clearly to blame.
I know how you feel: The ratings for Wednesday night’s cheating scandal blow-up (complete with a s**tty toothbrush and an ever s**ttier shirt) prove that we’ve all got Stockholm Syndrome
The ‘truth’ comes out
The context: On Tuesday’s episode, David discovered that his ‘wife’, Hayley, had been caught kissing Michael in Vanessa and Chris’ room
On Tuesday night, hobby farmer* David discovered his recovering drug addict* wife Hayley had been caught kissing Michael in Vanessa and Chris’ room.
First of all, Vanessa and Chris were going through a fake divorce at the time, so find another room, you randy flogs.
Secondly, David was about to dump her on Sunday anyway. He had no reason to be angry.
So David didn’t get angry, he got even*.
Getting even: David was about to dump Hayley on Sunday anyway. He had no reason to be angry. So David didn’t get angry, he got even… by using Hayley’s toothbrush to scrub his toilet
Last night, we opened with trained lawyer* Stacey finding out the bad news about her commercial ice dealer* husband, Michael.
‘I got a message request* from David last night, telling me that my husband had cheated,’ Stacey explained.
‘I don’t know who to believe. Michael hates Hayley, he thinks she’s disgusting, this doesn’t make any sense!’
And you’re surprised, Stacey? I’ve watched 16 episodes now and none of it makes any sense.
The fallout: Last night, we opened with Stacey finding out the bad news that her husband had kissed Hayley. ‘This doesn’t make any sense! Stacey screamed. Tell me about it
Riddle me MISS
Riddle me MISS: Aleks and Ivan were the first couple to arrive at dinner, followed by David, who for some reason is dressed like The Riddler: ‘Well that’s a shirt,’ remarked Mel Schilling
THE BOGAN GLOSSARY
Everyday terms translated into Bogan
Commercial ice dealer: Someone who gets rich selling bags of ice to 7-Eleven
Expert: Gullible 40-somethings who got turned down for Gogglebox
Getting even: The act of using your partner’s toothbrush as a toilet brush
Hobby farmer: Unemployed person who likes hay and hates rain
Message request: When you fail to add your castmate on Facebook, so their message goes to the ‘d**k pics and Russian trolls’ folder
Party pash: Pashing in the bedroom while your friends are getting divorced in the lounge room
Real estate agent: People who specialise in trick photography and ignoring tenants’ emails
Recovering drug addict: Someone who only does ecstasy and magic mushrooms
Trained lawyer: Someone who has a law degree, but still works at Chicken Castle
Real estate agents* Aleks and Ivan were the first couple to arrive at dinner, followed by David, who for some bizarre reason was dressed like The Riddler.
‘Well that’s a shirt,’ remarked expert Mel Schilling.
Um, It’s not a shirt, Mel, it’s a three-piece suit from the Kmart toy section.
So why was David dressed like a comic book villain? Well, I think he was expecting ‘the boys’ would have a different reaction to the footage of him scrubbing a toilet with Hayley’s toothbrush.
It turned out one of them had forwarded it to Hayley, which meant his ‘big reveal’ played out more like this:
David: ‘Riddle me this: What goes in your mouth, but comes out your bum?’ *Pulls out his phone*
Everyone else: ‘We’ve all seen the video you dirty b*****d!’
Michael sells the truth
Before dinner, Michael had told producers he was going to ‘be a man’ and come straight out with the truth.
Cut to Michael at dinner:
‘There’s a lot of rumours going around about me. “I slept with Hayley,” “I kissed Hayley,” “I lap danced on Hayley…”
‘Be a man’: Prior to dinner, Michael told producers how he was going to ‘be a man’ and come straight out with the truth. He chose to lie instead and said he ‘didn’t remember’ anything
‘But the truth is, I’d love to remember every single thing that happened that night, but I can’t! And I can’t apologise for something I have no recollection of.’
Hayley had a very different story.
‘Did we party pash*? F**kin’ oath we did,’ she said.
Two sides: Hayley had a very different story: ‘Did we party pash*? F**kin’ oath we did,’ she said
Stacey’s #MeToo mishap
The Good Wife: ‘Everybody knows Michael has a partying problem,’ she began, defending her dirty husband, ‘Hayley used him when he was in a vulnerable state!’
‘Everybody knows Michael has a partying problem,’ she began.
Jesus, Stacey, we’re living in a post-Weinstein world here, you’re not going to…
‘Michael is the victim and so am I! Hayley used him when he was in a vulnerable state!’ he yelped.
(Yeah, and Harvey really needed that walking frame to get to court.)
Naturally, none of the cast bought Stacey’s inexplicable theory that Hayley was some kind of predator who pounced on helpless Michael.
And soon enough, Michael and David finally got what was coming to them.
By the end of the night, the opinion polls had swung against ‘the boys’ after the conversation shifted to David’s method of revenge.
S**t revenge: Eventually, the opinion polls swung against ‘the boys’ after the conversation shifted to David’s choice of revenge
Tables turned: With the tables officially turned, Hayley immediately snapped out of her ‘I cry like I’m having a stroke’ act and went back to her default ‘Insta-sham philosopher’ routine.
With the tables officially turned, Hayley snapped out of her ‘ugly crying’ mode and went back to her default ‘Insta-sham philosopher’ routine.
‘David’s going to learn today that every dog has its day,’ she told producers. Her message was clear, but she continued anyway.
‘That dog is you, David.’
Hayley, let me help, darl: that idiom means ‘everyone will be successful or lucky at some time in their life’.
So according to that analogy, you’re the dog and judging by the social media reaction to David’s revenge, today is your day!
Every dog: Hayley misinterpreted the saying ‘every dog will have it’s day’ and called David ‘the dog’. Hayley, it means: ‘everyone will be successful or lucky at some time in their life’
Brushed under the rug
The real villains: But the biggest villains of the night were the producers, who got the rest of the cast to push the narrative that David’s reportedly illegal toothbrush revenge was okay because, ‘Hayley didn’t use the toothbrush’
Shockingly though, the biggest villains of the night were the producers, who persuaded the other cast members to push the narrative that David’s possibly illegal toothbrush revenge was okay because ‘Hayley didn’t use the toothbrush’.
‘I did f**king use it! You know I did!’ Hayley screamed at the table, after being told she hadn’t for the fiftieth time that night.
In my view, the producers are doing here what they did with the Poppy and Luke allegations.
Puppets: ‘I did f***ing use it! You know I did!’ Hayley screamed at her cast mates at one point, after being told she ‘hadn’t used it’ for the fiftieth time that night
My source told me that Hayley did in fact use the toothbrush (for five days, to be exact). But the producers can’t prove it, so the cast can’t talk about it.
And faced with the prospect of missing out on an explosive storyline, they’ve pieced together their own narrative from broken shards of the truth.
In doing so, they’ve made themselves both the judge and the jury. The cast and the viewers are just passengers strapped in for the ride.
‘Remember to keep your arms, legs, and opinions inside the vehicle at all times.’
Out of sight? My source told me that Hayley did in fact use the toothbrush, ‘for five days.’ But the producers can’t prove it, so the cast can’t talk about it. ‘Guilt’ and ‘innocence’ were not on their criteria