Sam has hammered the final nail into the coffin of his flailing relationship with Zara, it would seem.
Still absolutely beside herself, Zara arranges to meet Reza, who accuses her of being full of ‘baloney’. No-one has used that phrase since 1987, and no-one has ever used that phrase in the UK, but we see what point he’s trying to make.
He reminds Zara that while she was doing the horizontal fandango offstage with her X Factor lover, Sam used to bring his entire family to watch her on the show. So while she was swinging from the drop curtains, Sam, Louise and their age-defying mother were chomping on sweet-meets-salty pop corn waiting for The Vixen from The Chase to finish her rendition of Diamonds Are Forever.
Devastated: Sam has hammered the final nail into the coffin of his flailing relationship with Zara, it would seem.
In the style of Rachel from Friends, Zara has penned a letter to Sam, and sends Reza off to deliver it.
Over in the countryside, Maeva casually implies that the sex between her and James isn’t as frequent as she’d like, and compares it to the sex she would have with ex Miles.
Despite not really saying so, Emily takes this to mean the sex was much more passionate between Maeva and Miles, and logs this into her memory bank for use later in the episode.
Mark Francis and Rosi are somewhere talking about terracotta sphincters [sphinxes] and that’s all there is to say about this for the moment.
Calling time? It seems Sam has made his mind up about the future of his romance with Zara
Charlie and Verity have been having sex. They even did it TWICE the other day. They better be careful not to throw their backs out.
Emily decides its a good idea to tell James that Maeva is sexually unfulfilled, which then gets back to a snarling Maeva.
Sophie is helping Ollie and Gareth choose flowers for their wedding.
The florist has let them come inside on their own so that they can smell things without wearing masks.
Sophie would have liked them to pick peonies but reminds them that these flowers have been ‘butchered to death by basic b*****s’.
In what is a rather terrible moment, Ollie and Gareth tell her that the church they wanted to get married in have said no because they’re gay.
Sophie is fuming about this and you can see in her eyes that she’s planning on donning a Real Avengers-style cat suit and hunt down whichever backward priest runs that parish.
Freddie hosts a lunch to mark the end of the countryside social bubbling.
Paris makes a speech and no-one cares.
During said lunch, the bitterness that has been simmering all summer starts to overspill, with Maeva expressing her fury that Emily told James about her sexual dissatisfaction.
Emily then announces that Maeva declared her romance with Miles as being more passionate, even though she didn’t really, and everyone starts screaming at each other.
Back in London, Reza delivers Sam his letter from Zara, which we get a glimpse of.
Props must go to her for hand writing it when, let’s face it, it’s so tempting to type something these days isn’t it? Also, her writing is very ’14-year-old girl’, but in an endearing way.
If you pause it when Sam looks at the letter, Zara says all the usual stuff. But there’s a weird sentence about how her life was great before she met him [bragging] and another line about how she’d never heard of Fulham.
Back with Rosi and Mark Francis, they are involved in some sort of weird upcylcing clothing project and it’s all very un-Mark Francis-like.
We also learn that Rosi has seven wardrobes full of clothing and that some of the stuff still has the tags on.
Meanwhile, back at the tense lunch, the focus has moved from Meava and Emily onto the Liv/Tristan/Charlie/Verity love square.
Each couple of clutching each other’s hands under the table and Liv announces she has feeling for Tristan. Charlie shouts at her for this [which is odd] and Verity bursts into tears.
Liv apologises for accidentally liking Tristan and instead of accepting this, Verity just keeps asking ‘do you like him then really?’ over and over again.
Reza and Ruby have been tasked with meeting Zara, after she sent Reza off with the letter for Sam.
In she walks. ‘I feel like s**t,’ she declares, even though no-one actually asked her.
Turns out she’s not heard a peep back from Sam since she passed on the letter and she’s fuming about it.
Reza then tells her ‘he’s completely out,’ to which she cries. She really has upped her game on the crying front as the weeks have passed and she is positively moist with tears.
In another lesson in how homosexual inequality is still rife in this world, Ollie and Gareth recount the pre-marriage interview they have had to sit through, during which their interviewer couldn’t get round the fact that they aren’t related.
Ollie poignantly mentions his late uncle, who was gay and died in the 80s, and they decide to pay tribute to him at the wedding.
He then claims he feels like an old trout next to friend Will, who Sophie is trying to set up now that she’s decided she’s not at all interested in him.
‘What’s your type apart from me?’ she asks. This discussion then steers into a strange new direction where they all talk about a rugby shirt Ollie owns which, according to Sophie, makes him look like a 12-year-old working for Google.
Made In Chelsea continues on Mondays at 9PM on E4.