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Lust actually: Christmas movies are everywhere – and this year they’re horny


Name: Blue Christmas films.

Age: New.

Appearance: Seasonal and a little saucy.

And these are Christmas films? Yes. Christmas films, but raunchy.

You mean like Santa Comes Again? No, not actual pornography. Just slightly edgy holiday fare.

Like Elf? More like The Bitch Who Stole Christmas, to offer one example.

I’ve not see that one. That’s because it premieres this week. It calls itself “the draggiest Christmas movie ever made”.

Slowly paced, then, is it? No – it stars RuPaul and 20 other drag queens, who team up to bring mischief and mayhem to the US’s most Christmassy small town.

Is it based on a true story? It seems to be a parody of a 2020 film called A Very Charming Christmas Town.

I’ve not seen that either. Are these Christmas movies a big thing? They certainly are. Between them, the US cable networks will be showing at least 145 new Yuletide films this year, bearing such titles as Making Spirits Bright, Gingerbread Miracle and The Nine Kittens of Christmas.

I’m not sure what you mean by a Yuletide film. What are they like? What do you think of when you think of Christmas and movies?

Die Hard. Not this again. That’s just a film that’s shown on TV at Christmas. A true Christmas TV film has a number of key elements.

Such as? Snow, shopping, long scarves, a main character in Christmas denial, a bit of redemption, a tame central romance, a few Santa hats and …

A certain wearying predictability? Yes, along with dreadful dialogue, a paper-thin plot in which magical thinking is consistently rewarded, and carol singing.

And they’re all the same? They were until VH1 launched its “Naughty or Nice” lineup, including The Bitch Who Stole Christmas, to punch holes in the holiday film formula.

What else is on its list? Hip Hop Family Christmas and Let’s Get Merried. The latter concerns a “hard-partying, down-on-her-luck holiday-hater” who marries a man she encounters on a Christmas bachelorette weekend.

Meet Me in St Louis it ain’t. No, it ain’t.

I thought the forces of political correctness were supposed to be cancelling Christmas. Why don’t they get on with it? Sounds like somebody could use a little Christmas magic.

No, thank you. What about a little raunchy Christmas magic?

If you’re talking about XXXmas Stocking Stuffers 3, I already have the DVD. Suit yourself, Scrooge.

Do say: “Have yourself a raunchy little Christmas.”

Don’t say: “It’s called Rudolph in Rehab; Joey from Friends is already on board.”



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