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Before his teenage sons left for university, Richard Marshall taught them to make curry, bread and home-brewed beer. As a single parent, he had already passed on the “ability to live on a fairly tight budget” and involved them in running the house: “They could operate a washing machine without ruining clothes, knew how to iron – even if my advice was not to bother – and could do all those chores I’d seen new students fresh from home struggle with.”
The road to university is a long one, and Marshall was right to start early. Gaynor Loxley, outreach and widening participation manager at the University of Sheffield, suggests looking at university courses as soon as GCSEs are over, so you can ensure you pick the relevant A-levels.
With two children of her own (one now doing a PhD and one about to start university), she advises against imposing your own ideas about what they should study. “It’s their journey,” she says. When it comes to helping your child through that journey, however, you can be a bit more hands-on. “Parents need to understand everything to do with the process,” says David Seaton, head of student recruitment at the University of Bedfordshire. But, he adds, there is “a fine line between supporting your child and leading them in a direction they don’t want to go”. That means you shouldn’t write your child’s personal statement for them – but by all means offer to run a “second pair of eyes” over it.
He also recommends attending open days and applicant days, as it’s often parents who ask the important questions there. Loxley adds that accompanying your children means you’ll know how far away the accommodation is from their lecture halls and be able to assess the safety of the campus.
Her other important tip is to look into what extra financial support might be available; some unis offer bursaries for students from areas where participation in higher education is low.
If your child has an offer, how can you prepare them for the big step of leaving home? Jeremy Akhavi, a first-year student at Loughborough University in self-catering accommodation, says one of the most helpful things his parents did for him was to equip him with half a dozen recipes: “Just having a set of easy, cheap recipes that my parents taught me how to cook beforehand made such a huge difference.”
On the other hand, he reflects, it would have been useful to know how to sew. “When things ripped, I had absolutely no idea how to do that. I ended up just taking them home.”
You’ll almost certainly worry about how your child will cope with the stress of managing finances and coping with work. Olivia Albaradura gave her daughter some tips about making her loan go further, such as roasting a whole chicken and keeping a separate account for rent and other bills. She also emphasised the importance of exercise to “give her energy and endorphins, to help with emotional wellbeing”. It was good advice – her daughter is now captain of her women’s rowing team.
If you’re worried about whether your child will make friends, it’s worth noting that most universities now set up social media groups, so students can virtually “meet” their new flatmates beforehand. This can also be a good way of deciding who should bring which piece of kitchen equipment; no flatshare needs six cheese graters.
The transition to university is a time of change for parents too – and it can feel lonely without your children around. But remind yourself that this is what you’ve been working towards all those years. As Marshall says: “I kept missing them, but I also made sure to remember that growing up and moving on is the right thing for most. And I became a telephone consultant on essays.”
So how did his sons fare? Apart from a “few perplexed calls about things like tenancy contracts” they had no problems coping independently. “Both ate well, lived outside halls successfully and amazingly came out with money in the bank for the next step,” says Marshall.
“It seems to have made them more adventurous eaters too – a personal triumph. They don’t brew their own beer, though.”
Top tips for student living
Students finding a large pot of money in their bank account at the beginning of term might be tempted to splash out, so teach them to set aside amounts for things such as food, rent and books. “Helping students to set a realistic budget before they start university can save headaches later,” says Benedikte Joergensen, head of student recruitment at Manchester Metropolitan University.
Think about what practical skills they might need – not just cooking, but ironing, sewing, mopping the floor, and loading the dishwasher.
Offer some tips on keeping safe, whether it’s avoiding walking home alone or keeping drinking under control. First aid can be a lifesaver.
Tell them they don’t have to follow the crowd – and that it’s fine to spend some time alone. Student Jeremy Akhavi found it helpful that his parents told him: “Don’t be afraid to go into your room, close the door, watch a movie, read a book and just relax.”
If you’re an anxious parent, try not to show it – and don’t stalk them on social media … but do let them know that you’re at the other end of a phone if they ever need you. Going to university can be scary, and it helps for them to know that you’re still there for them.
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