lifestyle

'I want more from my lover but he's got close to his wife again'


Dear Coleen

I’ve been having an on/off affair with a married man for several years. The thing is, our arrangement suited me in the past because I was very focused on my job, I knew I didn’t want ­children and I was very independent.

In fact, I actually told him not to leave his wife for me, even though at one point that’s what he wanted and it was all he talked about.

He’s still with his wife but recently, after much thinking in lockdown, I began to realise that I now want more from him.

I suggested to him that it might be the right time to leave his marriage, so we could be together properly, but I wasn’t prepared for his response.



‘I suggested to him that it might be the right time to leave his marriage’ (stock image)

He said he and his wife were closer than they’d ever been and he wasn’t going to leave her.

He said he thought it was too late for us to make a proper go of things and that we’d “missed our window”.

I’m not sure where that leaves me. I’m nearly 40 now and suddenly feel like I may have messed things up badly. Can you help?

Should I try to convince him that his future is with me, or call it quits and walk away?

Coleen says

Unfortunately, it’s a consequence of getting involved in an affair. You’ve finally discovered you can’t call the shots in this situation; that you’re in a relationship with a man who has a wife and another life.

Lockdown has given you another perspective – maybe you’ve been bored or just had a lot of time to think. But it sounds like it’s had an effect on this man, too, and how he feels about his marriage – he’s realised he loves this woman he married and wants to make it work.

You can’t just have something because it suits you now – you have to accept that it doesn’t suit him.

You clearly now want more from a relationship than to be someone’s mistress, so the best advice I can give you is to move on from this affair and learn from it.

You’ve already wasted several years with someone who’s taken. Use your time now to plan ­positively for the future – it’s never too late to meet someone else and be happy, so give yourself the opportunity to do it.

While this guy is still on the scene, it’ll be hard to move forward.





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