'I had an affair with my best mate's wife and now he's dead I feel guilty'

Dear Coleen

I’m a man in my 50s and heard from a friend that another pal of ours had died recently.

I was really affected by this, as this guy used to be my best mate, but we fell out over a decade ago after I had an affair with his wife.

She left him for me and we saw each other for a couple of years, although we’re not together any more.

I can’t stop thinking about this chap and the fact I never got to make amends and apologise for breaking up his marriage while also destroying our friendship.

I know there’s nothing I can do about it now, but I can’t stop thinking about it and wish I could turn back the clock.

Coleen says

You’re clearly feeling terribly guilty. I guess more so because you didn’t stay with his wife and lost his friendship for a short-lived affair.

No, you can’t turn back the clock or apologise to your friend, so you have to move forward. We’re all capable of making mistakes in life.

I didn’t speak to two of my sisters for four years and I can’t do anything about that time we lost, but I can go forward positively now.

Look at it this way, even if your friend hadn’t passed away, he might not have wanted to make his peace with you or help you with your guilt. When he was alive he didn’t get in touch with you, did he?

When someone dies, it makes us reflect on our relationship with them and that’s what you’re doing. But it’s pointless to dwell on it because it’s not something you can change. You feel terrible and I’m sure his ex does, too. All you can do is learn from it.


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