He can’t help it.
Matt Hancock was accused of lying, so he said: “The number of people being vaccinated in Bolton right now is phenomenal, tens of thousands every single day.” By Tuesday 168,289 people in the Bolton area had been vaccinated.
So if he’s telling the truth, the same people must be getting vaccinated over and over again.
The poor sods must be 90% vaccine by now, their arms covered in holes so if anyone sees them they’ll think they’re heroin addicts.
They must all have been approached by social workers who say: “I can see you’re self-harming and I want you to know it’s fine to seek help.”
If they have a cup of tea, it will sprinkle out of their arm as if they’re a watering can.
Luckily a Bolton doctor said the real figure is between 2,000 and 3,000 being vaccinated each day in Bolton.
But it is impressive, for Hancock to respond to a question about lying under pressure by lying under pressure.
If he’s asked again, he’ll say: “No, and furthermore I invented ginger beer and I’ve been having it off with Amanda Holden.”
He also told how he looks in the mirror and asks himself how he’ll save lives today. That is possible, I suppose.
But it is also possible he answers himself by saying, “I’m buggered if I know” and then has a shave.
Or maybe he tells himself the number of people being vaccinated in Hemel Hempstead is over seven million a day, and skips to work.
The testimony of Dominic Cummings detailed how the figure of 36,000 who died in care homes would have been much fewer had Hancock not followed his policy of sending back elderly patients from hospitals without Covid tests.
So maybe his problem was, he stood in front of the mirror going: “Which is ‘save lives’ and which is ‘end lives’? I must stop getting those two mixed up.”
At the time, Hancock said tests would be carried out, although they weren’t. Now it’s suggested that even Boris Johnson summoned Hancock about misleading statements.
If you’re being told off by Boris Johnson for lying, that is spectacular.
That’s like Paul Gascoigne complaining you’re too rowdy, or a commander of ISIS saying: “You don’t need to be THAT religious.”
Another of Hancock’s achievements during the pandemic was to award a Covid contract worth £30million to his old pub landlord, for providing test tubes.
Maybe there’s a trusted medical book that explains how the most efficient way to save lives is to make your mate a millionaire.
Cummings said there were at least 15 reasons why Hancock should have been sacked.
But the most obvious one must be his face. He’s not even a good liar.
He has the expression of a toddler that you catch drawing on the wall, who then says: “I didn’t do it.
“In fact, mummy, every day I look in the mirror and say: ‘How am I going to make sure the wall stays clean today’?”