education

Empty nests: ‘I don’t want to be their friend on Facebook’ because it’s their world, not mine

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It’s never been easier for parents to stay in touch with their student children. That sounds good, but it has brought new dilemmas. These days many parents expect to remain closely involved in their children’s lives, even at university. There are clearly downsides – not just for students who feel they’re being stalked, but for parents too, and for the changing relationship between them.

Used sparingly, texting, WhatsApp and the rest can offer just what’s needed: an informal way of communicating without being too intrusive. “Things like WhatsApp family groups have made it much easier to stay in touch,” says Juliet Bernard, whose sons are 24 and 20. “It’s like all being in a room together; you can choose how involved you are in the conversation. Our boys don’t have to comment but they still feel part of it.”

But, at its worst, social media tempts parents into keeping tabs on their children instead of allowing them to spread their wings and gain confidence beyond the parental gaze. “I’ve known parents phone their child every morning to make sure they’re up, and then again in the evening to ask if they’re going out – and tell them not to drink too much,” says Dr Ruth Caleb, a university wellbeing consultant. “This is overwhelming and takes the ability to control their own life away from their daughter or son. It’s not reasonable to expect contact every day.”

Parents shouldn’t take offence if their children don’t want to be friends on Facebook. Indeed, many parents prefer to keep their distance and stick to a good old-fashioned phone call once or twice a week. That makes good sense: you can tell a lot more about how people are feeling from hearing their voice.

“We’re lucky that our boys always talk to us, even if it’s to tell us when they’re stressed,” says Bernard. “I don’t want to be their friend on Facebook, because it’s their world, not mine. We’re not their friends, we’re their parents.”

Too much contact is bad for parents too. It prolongs the agony of letting go, and holds parents back from getting on with their own lives. The empty nest is usually less painful if parents can shift their focus away from their children and on to their own new interests. But that’s not going to happen if they’re following their fresher’s every move on social media, or waiting for a night-time text to say they’ve got home safely. If parents can’t resist constantly checking to make sure a child is safe, they may never learn to trust that they are.

It’s all about adjusting to an increasingly equal relationship and accepting that adult children need to make their own life choices. That starts with university open days and applications. For parents, this means stepping back into a less involved but still supportive role.

Don’t automatically assume teenagers want you along to an open day, or need help with a personal statement. “Always talk things through,” says Caleb. “That’s how you develop your relationship, because you’ll become a trusted person they can talk to about the bad times as well as the good.”

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