politics

'Dear Christian bigots, you can't stop gay sex in your house after you've sold it'


An open letter to the homo-hating homeowners who refused to let a gay couple buy their house because it was ‘against God’s word’

"In the 2,000 years since the Bible was written, many of the languages and attitudes used in it have died, and the queers have won"
“In the 2,000 years since the Bible was written, many of the languages and attitudes used in it have died, and the queers have won”

Dear bigots, I get it.

Your home is your castle, your safe space. You make the rules. And selling it is like asking for approval for your lifestyle, by inviting strangers in to make ‘ooh, lovely’ noises at your decorative taste, your DIY, and even the smell.

It can be upsetting to see prospective buyers wiping a finger along the top shelf, sniffing with distaste at the bathroom, or refusing, point blank, to step into the garden.

But unless they start getting down and dirty mid-viewing, it’s none of your damned business how they have sex. So the fact you messaged a gay couple saying “we would be unwilling for two men in partnership to view or buy our house, as it is contrary to the gracious teaching in God’s word” seems a little… well… Satanic.







This guy is just *obsessed* with sex
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Image:

Getty Images)

The only way you would ever know if these two gentlemen have sex in a manner you may disapprove of is if you leave spy cameras behind when you move out, or hide in the loft with little holes drilled in the bedroom ceiling like Christopher Ecclestone in Shallow Grave.

When heterosexual couples ask to view your home, do you insist on knowing if they do it in the missionary position? Do you require virginity tests, or tell them that if either has an affair you’ve left some stones by the back door which the wronged partner is welcome to use to stove the other one’s skull in?

No. Because like all bigots, you are screaming hypocrites throbbing with self-righteousness who make as much sense as a duck on a bicycle.

And if you’re worried about the conjugal habits of your prospective buyers, you’re going to FREAK when you find out what they intend to do in your bathroom.







They’re almost certainly going to do a poo at some point
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They’re going to defecate. They’re going to drip on the seat. They’ll drop tampons, suffer food poisoning, and they won’t always open the window.

They may even decide to rip it out, and install a bathroom suite you find distasteful, or a frightfully modern ‘woke’ rainwater shower. They could paint the bedroom fuchsia, dump your Axminster carpets in a skip, and brick over the goldfish pond.

They might buy the house as a married, heterosexual, missionary-adoring couple, but within months they might be adulterous, or bisexual, or start walking each other to the shops on a lead.

They may even convert to a multi-godded pagan faith which means that every full moon they hop left-legged around the garden with a frog sat on a biscuit with a feather up its bottom, and if that religion doesn’t yet exist then it should.

But while you have every right to object to those things happening in your home while you live in it, you’re just going to have to suck it up and move out once they pay you more money than you have ever seen in your entire life.

Because let’s be honest, that’s what you want out of this: a six-figure sum that you’ve done comparatively little to earn.

Oh, you’ve paid your mortgage, you’ve decorated, maybe you’ve had an extension. But the main creator of the enormous pile of cash you’re sitting on is that you sat on it for as long as you did, and now you want someone to buy it from you so that you can continue to grow that cash somewhere else.

Now, let’s ask ourselves. What would Jesus do?

There’s no mention in the Bible of him saying “suffer not the homos to come unto me”. Nor did he utter “blessed are the bigoted”, although he was no fan of mortgage lenders and felt that large piles of cash were no guarantee of getting to heaven.

He said that all commandments boiled down to “love thy neighbour” and “do unto others as you would have them do unto you”. And it is highly unlikely that a man called a demon for hanging out with prostitutes and the mentally ill would refuse to let a couple of men into his house on the basis that they loved each other too much.







Jesus would love a bit of drag and you know it
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Because in the 2,000 years since the Bible was written, many of the languages and attitudes used in it have died, and the queers have won. They have laws, festivals, employment rights, buses, Primark ranges, police officers, politicians, and priests on Radio 4, of all places. They can marry, parent, work, live, and love whoever they please, and if Jesus ever decides it’s time to come back I will bet you my house that he won’t have a problem with it.

He might have something to say about small-minded fundamentalists, though, along with greed, double-standards, and a basic lack of awareness about the infinite variety of life on Earth which includes, to our certain knowledge, gay lions, gay penguins, gay giraffes, boy seahorses giving birth, trans fish, and self-fertilising reptiles.

Feel free to ask a boa constrictor why it is shamefully ignoring God’s word on natural relations, and we’ll wait for it to digest your head so you can tell us its answer.

What you do, and allow, in your home is your business. But the entire point of selling your home is that it’s not yours anymore, and whether the two men who want to look round it are brothers, friends, or lovers is simply none of your beeswax, any more than you have a right to know what colour they’ll paint the front door.

So carry on interpreting your religion in exactly the way Satan would prefer, and watch as people with the money to buy your house decide not to because they disapprove of your lifestyle, and see how it feels when your neighbours treat you the same way you treat others.

Yours,

The Head Biscuit Frogmeister of the Blessed Tickle Stick





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