Britain is a land of opportunity. And Chartwells, the company paid to send food packages to hungry kids, proved that.
Because instead of complaining about poverty, they made money out of it.
The Government asked them to provide food parcels worth £30, and they delivered a couple of mini-yoghurts and a battered piece of fruit.
Nigella Lawson should include a Chartwells meal in her next series, drooling: “Hmm an over-ripe banana. Let’s peel it slowly, shall we?
“Ooh, black and mushed in the middle – I like things that are black and mushed in the middle, don’t you?
“Now let’s add in our two-inch stick of sliced cucumber, and, hmm, it makes me go rather tingly.
“Now these ingredients are rather expensive at £30 but, hmph, you can’t put a price on arousing all your senses, can you?”
These meals of squashed sweets and slices of processed cheese should be advertised, with eager kids round a table shouting: “What’s for dinner tonight, mum? Is it Chartwells night?”
Then a satisfied mum will say, “Looks like it’s someone’s special treat,” as she tips a bruised pear and a cream cracker on to a plate.
The kids will scream: “Please can I have the soggy inedible carrot?”
Then a voice will say: “Don’t just eat well, Chartwell.” And they’ll all sing: “Give your kids a delight each night with 30 quids’ worth of rotten sh***.”
The Daily Mirror told the story of assistant head teacher Zane Powles, who was so appalled by these parcels for kids that he added in extra food for free. What a loser.
He should be taking the chance to make a fortune out of that. Because our government has worked out that it’s the poor’s fault that they’re poor.
Shaun Bailey, Conservative candidate for Mayor of London, explained how he would deal with the homeless by saying they should save £5,000 for a deposit on a house.
Exactly. They should pop into an estate agents, and when they’re asked how much they have towards a property, they empty out their polystyrene cup on to the desk.
If it comes to £5,000, they can make an offer on a flat in Kensington.
If he’s asked how we should have dealt with the Great Irish Potato Famine in the 1840s, Shaun Bailey will say: “They should have popped down to Waitrose.
“They’ve got packets of gorgeous New Jersey potatoes down there, ideal with a sprig of parsley.”
He should team up with Chartwells to ask the Government for £500 for each package they provide for the homeless.
Each parcel can contain a box of chicken nuggets found in a bin, and they could even use the paper bag it comes in as a bed for the night.
Instead of do-gooding nurses working 16-hour shifts out of compassion for Covid patients, we should send Chartwells into hospitals to offer ventilators from a special package for 50p a puff.
Chartwells, it turns out, was run by a donor to the Conservative party.
It’s just one surprise after another these days.