politics

'Boris Johnson always wanted to be like Winston Churchill – he may also cause blackouts'


Anything from a farm will be in short supply, because of energy prices but also because there’s a labour shortage. This has turned out well as one argument for Brexit was so we could have more space in our country

Boris Johnson
Boris Johnson always wanted to be like Winston Churchill

As there are warnings of shortages of everything, at least we can be sure that British people will act calmly.

We’ll serenely form a nine-mile queue outside every petrol garage and scream “MUST HAVE PETROL” while hyper-ventilating and howling like a hyena under the moonlight.

Millions of people will shout “WHERE DID YOU GET YOUR PETROL?” at everyone they see who’s driving, including hearses, ambulances and hovercraft. If you tell them you don’t have a car, they’ll scream “WHAT?”, then: “WHERE DO YOU KEEP YOUR PETROL?”

People will arrive at petrol garages with buckets, cake tins, cat litter trays, anything that can hold a bit more petrol.

Others will scream: “Empty the baby’s milk bottles, we can use them to store more petrol.”








Queues at an Asda petrol station in Cardiff
(

Image:

WalesOnline/Rob Browne)



Meanwhile ministers appear on television every day to assure us we won’t run out of energy.

And you can see on their face they’re thinking: “AAAAAAAGH WE’RE GOING TO RUN OUT OF ENERGY.”

For years they told us the answer to energy prices hurtling upwards is to “shop around” for the cheapest deal.

So when it costs £4,000 worth of gas to heat up a pan of custard, it’s YOUR fault for not swapping to a Ukrainian company that was a bit cheaper until half past five when it went into liquidation and turned out to be owned by a cousin of Jacob Rees-Mogg.








Former Prime Minister Sir Winston Churchill
(

Image:

The LIFE Picture Collection via Getty Images)



Maybe the Government should answer other problems in this way. If they’re asked what they’re doing about knife crime, they can say: “My advice is to shop around for areas where you’re less likely to get stabbed.”

Luckily the Government has planned these shortages carefully. So we’re running out of food at the same time, which means it doesn’t matter if there’s no fuel for lorries or drivers to drive them, as there’s nothing for them to take.

Anything from a farm will be in short supply, because of energy prices but also because there’s a labour shortage.

This has turned out well, because one argument for Brexit was so we could have more space in our overcrowded country. And now we have!



A few years ago, the shops were packed full of food and clothes but now there’s plenty of room along the shelves so there’s no problem of where to put things.

Boris Johnson always wanted to be like his hero Churchill and he might get his wish.

Because just like in 1942, by December we’ll all be growing turnips in the wardrobe. And buying a chicken on the black market off a bloke behind the bus shelter.

And we won’t need the Luftwaffe as an excuse for a blackout.




We’ll have blackouts because if you turn on the bedside light for 10 minutes you’ll get an electricity bill for £900.

In 2015 David Cameron warned we faced “stability with the Conservatives, or chaos with Ed Miliband”.

When we’re hunting berries and cooking pets, we should all be thankful we didn’t vote for chaos.


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